In my last post, I shared about my unhealthy romance with disappointment and how it has kept me from being who God has called me to be. This pattern has led me to subconsciously sabotage my health through binge-eating, my relationships by choosing unsuitable partners, and even my business by failing to meet deadlines.
Before I continue, I want to be clear about the type of disappointment I’m referring to. I’m not referring to a natural feeling we express when something does not turn out as we planned. I’m referring to a constant, pervasive belief or feeling that our life will never turn out the way you want it to- having an exception of poor success. I’m referring to subconscious habits, behaviours and mindsets that constantly leave you feeling disappointed.
In this post, I will share some of my insights into the root of disappointment in the hopes that it will help you to understand why and how you stay stuck in certain areas of your life. It will help you to understand why you continue to overeat despite your desire to be healthier or why you remain on the couch despite your desire to exercise your body.
The more I understand the depth of what keep me and other women like me stuck in cycles of unhealthy behaviours, the more I understand that this is a spiritual battle and, therefore, the traditional weapons we use to fight with will never work for us until we understand. No Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig is going to help us when we’re fighting with spirits of unworthiness and hopelessness that want to keep us bound. The goal of these spirits are to keep us from achieving all God has called us to achieve and being who we were called to be.
“The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.” 2 Cor 10:4
So, you may be wondering why I or anyone else would purposely want to be disappointed? Truth is, no one wants to, we just don’t realize that we’re in this cycle: it’s a subconscious ‘record’ that keeps playing in our head.
The Holy Spirit is showing me that (my) disappointment is a self-destructive coping mechanism to deal with a deeper fear. My disappointment song is really my way of ‘tapping out.’ Tapping out is a term that wrestlers use as a way of saying they concede or they admit defeat. So instead of feeling or experiencing the deeper fear, I would do something to make myself disappointed which to me is the lesser of the two pains. It’s a ‘get-them-before-they-get-me’ response to my deeper core fears.
During one of our Haven sessions, I discovered that my deepest core fears were feeling helplessness, powerless and insignificant. Why, because those were some of the stinging memories of my childhood. I was the middle child, darkest skinned and plumpest of 3 girls. I often felt overlooked as my personable older sister and my cute and adorable younger sister always seemed to steal the show. As I reflect on my life, I see how these fears led a string of unhealthy relationships with men and sexual abuse in my teens. This string of disappointments throughout much of my life confirmed the beliefs I had about myself, I was indeed helpless, powerless, and insignificant.
If I was feeling powerless I would do something to elicit that biochemical craving that the feelings of disappointment provided. Whether good or bad, your body will begin to produce chemicals to elicit those feelings you’ve grown accustomed to (I will go into detail about that in another post). In my business life, I would subconsciously miss a deadline; in my marriage, I would set up my husband to fail so I could feel disappointed; and in my health I would binge-eat or sabotage my training plan- all to avoid the deeper fears of powerlessness, helplessness, and insignificance. Feeling disappointed was my natural responses to avoided the deeper core fears.
I hope this is starting to all make sense to you by now.
For you it might not be disappointment, it might be your need to control every situation and everyone, or it might be your need to save the world while your own health is slowly (or quickly) diminishing. Whatever the outward behaviours are for you, dare to go deeper. You will never receive healing and wholeness as long as you’re hiding behind other addictive habits and patterns. Any you will never break the cycles until you take the time and set at the feet of Christ and ask Him to help you reveal the root.
Psalm 139:23 has become one of my life’s versus. It says, “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.” It’s our subconscious thoughts that keep us stuck. They are stored in our bodies as evidenced by our (poor) health. They are stored in our minds as evidenced by our failure to take action and do the things we long to do. And they are stored in our spirits as evidenced by our failure to believe that God is who He is and can do what He says He can do. My sister, it’s time to go deeper.
Don’t be afraid of the pain. God will lovingly restore you to wholeness. He will not exact vengeance, punish you or shame you as you might have been made to believe.
So what is that core fear for you? What self-destructive habits do you use to hide the pain of your past? What is the song that you’re constantly singing?
- If you were never taught how to manage your anger or your emotions
- If you were abandoned by a parent or someone you trusted
- If you were abused
- If you were made to feel unloved
- If you were not allowed to express your feelings
- If you always felt judged
- If you were brought up in a very religious home and was often told of God’s wrath
THEN you’ve got a song that’s keeping your stuck and unhappy and I want you to journey with me as we allow God to put a new song in our mouth. He wants to do a new thing in our lives if we allow Him.
“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:19
Tomorrow is our last day to register for our Haven program. In this 12-Week Program, we will gently and lovingly help you get to the root of why you keep spinning your wheels when it comes to your health and give you powerful insights and tools to use to help you break the recurring cycle of unconscious behaviours. We only have 5 spots remaining so register now.
In my next post, I will share the science behind disappointment addiction.